How much more pain do i have to take?

Yesterday was pretty much as horrible as i expected it to be. My aunt Lynn told me today at swimming she could actually see my heart break. To be fair, she probably did. The image of Ambers little face crumbling into floods of tears haunts me every time i close my eyes. I cant seem to see any good in anything at the moment. All seems to be completely black. Even my hair's joined in!

Had a most bizarre (and lucid) chat with nan this morning. Turns out she had one marital indescretion. *gulp*. She and her lifelong best friend, Ted, while Grandad was overseas with the army. They were planning to run away to London with Danny (nan's eldest and only child at that point). I was gripped, horrified, pleased, sad all at once. Grandad was a good man but was far too unhinged for his own good (yep, i relate) Very obsessive personality, possesive, that's just the tip of iceberg really. Suffice to say, nan spent the vast majority of her married life resenting him (he found out the plan btw, his mother was a great spy and told him all, so the move never happened). Thing is, Ted could've been a total twunt, she never got to find out, so would've no doubt idolised him. Grandad couldn't really even begin to compete with that. And that's what's sad. That and that they should've never married in the first place. Much as i'm pleased they did, otherwise this wouldn't be happening. I'm glad she got to experience some form of happiness... i know, weird morality there. 

John's funeral tomorrow. I've felt like i want to stuff my face all day.. all week. Fill up that empty feeling, that feeling of hopelessness, loss, whatever it is. Anything to lose that feeling. Am going to be meeting his family tomorrow. Plus riding in the car all that way with Steve the perv and his new wife. Luckily i have headphones and wont be afraid to use them. Wont lie, i find that this whole excersise is a waste of time. Aside from paying respects and meeting his family, its too little too late. He didn't want to be there, that's why he gave up i believe. So why we're all trundling off there i'm not too sure. Just more bloody heartache. Best go before i gloom myself out.

Novice Blogger.

Be gentle with me, i'm new. Not even sure what to write as yet.. maybe i should've thought BEFORE i started typing...